


Seedlings

by kuchiki977



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, I bend the timeline to my will, Warring States Period (Naruto), a mild cracky after-taste, gratuitous time travel fix-its, it changes from drabble to drabble, sometimes, tragic characters getting the love and support they desperately need
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:41:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24367468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuchiki977/pseuds/kuchiki977
Summary: Various AUs in which two of the most tragic characters in "Shitty Parenting, Manipulation and Child Soldiers" the series, get a chance at happiness. Drabbles and one-shots that could develop into full-fledged stories.(Russian translation courtesy of Dr. Delirious availablehere.)
Relationships: Uchiha Madara/Uzumaki Naruko, Uchiha Madara/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 20
Kudos: 112





	1. The Old and the New

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara's house guest is quite the handful.

"You're old."

An unimpressed Sharingan glares at the uninvited guest in his lair. "Boy, why have you brought this brat here?"

His impudent clansman ignores him while rifling through his belongings. Not intimidated in the slightest, the ankle-biter scales his throne and reaches for his hair. He swats the grubby hands away and tries again, "Boy, you'd best answer me…"

Unfortunately, only the obnoxious child is interested in talking. He seems to have inadvertently opened the flood gates. "You're the oldest person I've ever seen! How old are you? 'Cuz you look ancient. How do you still have this much hair when you're so old? You're _really_ pale, too. How long have you been down here? Will I be staying down here, too? Do you like ramen? What's your favorite flavor?" The questions keep coming and his patience is thinning by the second.

Luckily for her, Obito decides to intervene before he could make her regret attempting to brush aside the hair obscuring the right side of his face, again. Radiating amusement through that ridiculous mask of his, Obito hauls the child off him. He places her in front of the chair and shares the worst news Madara has heard in a long time, "Gramps, meet your new roommate, Uzumaki Naruto."

Since when did the Uzumaki diversify enough to have blonde hair? She waves and chirps, "Hi, gramps!"

Madara hisses, "I refuse." The boy has the gall to scoff. He gently nudges the girl away from them and she scurries out of his sight. She's probably going to break something.

"You'll get lonely without someone to keep you company."

"Just who do you think you're talking to?"

"A stubborn, old man." Madara's eye narrows but Obito continues unbothered, "She needs someone to look after her while I infiltrate that group in Amegakure."

"I have no patience for children."

"Trust me, I know. However, you might change your mind since she's the jinchuuriki for the Kyuubi."

The elderly Uchiha doesn't get much time to process that last statement before he feels a presence alarmingly close behind him. Despite the shock of blonde hair, the girl is surprisingly stealthy. He must be losing his touch if the girl managed to climb the back of the stone chair, and get close enough to grab a handful of spiky white hair, without him noticing. He leans out of reach before she can claim her prize. Undeterred, she follows him. She loses her balance and falls over the top of the chair, but Obito catches her.

He adjusts his hold and balances her on a hip. She freezes as if stunned, before throwing her arms around Obito's neck and latching onto him with a desperation that disgusts Madara. Obito pats her back and insists, "We need her for the plan, don't we? Think of how much trouble this saves us down the road!"

"And what of Konoha? Surely, they didn't let you just walk away with her."

Through the eye hole in the mask, his Mangekyo swirls, and he preens, "No worries on that front since I've been getting better with _Kamui._ No one will come looking for her here, and I doubt she wants to go back after how they treated her. Better still, here's a fresh audience for your long, repetitive stories. When you get tired of that, well, you're almost ready to kick the bucket anyway, right?"

If Madara was physically capable of putting the insolent boy in his place he would. Unfortunately, he must settle for a threat, "I'll remember that tone once you've revived me, child." Unconcerned, Obito shrugs a shoulder and walks back to where he was disrupting his belongings. He gently lowers the girl to the ground, before holding an over-sized shirt up to her chest. The youth mumbles something before calling out, "I have to go and get her some clothes. Could you entertain Naruto for a bit?"

Madara will do no such thing and is about to tell him so when Obito activates _Kamui_ and teleports elsewhere. The girl _skips_ over to him and climbs into his lap. She looks at him expectantly and grins, "I like stories."

Madara sighs like he never has before.


	2. Goodbye for Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto's charisma transcends time and space. Again.

Madara had just stopped to take a sip of water when an obnoxiously bright flash of light momentarily blinded him. As he hissed and rubbed at his eyes, he heard a voice not too far in front of him, "Whoops. Looks like I overshot the location."

Once his eyes stopped watering, he saw what had just interrupted his afternoon patrol: a woman. He had never seen golden hair before and for a moment he thought she was an ethereal being. The illusion was shattered when she swore, "Aw fuck, he's never gonna let me live this one down."

Now that he was thinking clearly, Madara took a moment to study her. She wore odd clothing. He nearly scoffed aloud at her knee-high sandals. Only a woman would waste valuable materials on fashion.

He noted a black jacket peeking out from under her loose, waist-length golden hair, but he did a double-take at her _very short_ trousers. Had she no shame? Moreover, they were _**orange**_. No kunoichi would wear such a conspicuous color.

Kunoichi stuck to the shadows. They weren't suited for combat on the front lines, so they specialized in seduction and assassination. They lured foolish men into traps with charm and beauty. An unladylike groan and slouch confirmed his suspicion that she couldn't possibly be a kunoichi.

The only semblance of an affiliation he could see was a strange swirl marking on a band around her left arm. It looked somewhat familiar, but he couldn't place it.

But if she wasn't an enemy kunoichi, what was she doing on the outskirts of Uchiha territory? Furthermore, how had she materialized in front of him?

There were too many unknowns about her, so he decided to call for back up. Madara swapped his water container for his war horn, quietly took a deep breath in, and lifted the horn to his lips.

However, he didn't get a chance to blow into it. He barely dodged the fist that arced towards his head.

The woman hadn't let on that she had noticed him, but now he had her full attention. She had anticipated he would duck out of the way and smacked the horn out of his hand.

Madara jumped backward to avoid the grab she made for him, but _another arm_ shot out from her side and grabbed his ankle. His eyes bugged out at the sight of an arm made of pure chakra.

The woman took advantage of his shock and grabbed his wrists with her flesh hands. Another chakra arm snaked around his other ankle and she lifted him off the ground. Madara cursed and tried to wrench out of her hold, but her grip held strong.

He hadn't perfected one-handed seals nor had he unlocked his Sharingan yet. Out of options, he opened his mouth to yell for help or at least alert his clansmen that they had an intruder.

A third chakra arm burst from her chest and covered his mouth. Her chakra limbs were solid like flesh, but a constant thrum of energy beneath the "skin" highlighted how alien and dangerous they were.

He stiffened in fear. She had captured him instead of killing him outright, but that didn't mean she _wouldn't_ kill him.

Then again, dying might be better than having his eyes snatched from his head.

Surprisingly, her first words to him were an attempt to comfort, "Shhhh. Let's just calm down, ok?" The woman paused as if waiting for a reply. He nodded. "Great! I'm not gonna hurt you, ya know? I just have a couple of questions…" Her eyes widened and she got up in his face.

Madara didn't back down. Curious cerulean stared into anxious charcoal. Their faces were close enough that he could see her iris in detail. Thus, he knew the exact moment recognition—how did she know him? —flitted through her eyes. Suddenly, a smile lit up on her face.

He jolted when she tossed him into the air like a doll and caught him under his armpits. To Madara's mortification, she spun on her heel and swung him around like a toddler. Luckily, she quickly tired of spinning and settled for hugging him to her chest.

He closed his eyes and gripped the sleeves of her jacket while he got his bearings. His father would be so ashamed to see his eldest son being held like a baby, but Madara was just grateful that she was happy rather than murderous. Even if her expressions of joy seemed just as deadly as any attack.

Mercifully, she waited for him to look her in the eye again before she continued speaking, "Sorry! You were so cute that I couldn't help it."

Now that he knows he's out of danger, he doesn't bother holding back his temper, "Uchiha warriors are not _cute_!"

"Warrior? What are you, six?"

"I'm almost eight!"

She scoffs, "Seven, then. How terrifying." The audacity of this woman! Unfortunately, Madara's most vicious glare only earns him some snickering and her face nuzzling against his. His cheeks redden in embarrassment and he pushes a whiskered cheek as far away as he can reach.

The woman just laughs and doesn't bother resisting or restraining his hands again. She doesn't consider him a threat at all. His pride takes a major hit. If she had been a real threat, he'd have been dead ten times over.

He was the strongest in his age group. Father had even said he might be able to overpower an adult!

"Ah, there's my favorite scowl!"

Frustrated, he clenched the fabric of her jacket between his fists. She has been overly familiar for long enough. He growls, "Who are you?"

"The name's Uz— Uch—…Naruto. Nice to meet you, Madara!"

He meets her sunny smile with an unimpressed look. He's young, not stupid. "What's your last name?"

She waffles, "Isn't it a ninja law or something that you're not supposed to ask a fellow ninja's last name?"

So, she is a kunoichi, then. "Normally, yes. But, you're trespassing on Uchiha territory. Furthermore, why do you know my name?"

"Um…I heard it from someone."

The kunoichi looks anxious now. Madara smirks. "From who?"

She's not looking him in the eye anymore, "A bunch of people."

"You're a terrible liar."

Her head whips back to face him. "Watch it, punk! Weren't you ever taught to respect your elders?"

"You're not very respectable."

The kunoichi utters a shocked gasp. "Not very resp—Do you even know who you're talking to?! I'm a pretty big deal, ya know!"

"Tell me, then." Madara revels in the aghast look on her face.

The woman sputters for a bit, before releasing an exasperated sigh. She finally puts him down as he smirks all the while. She grimaces and tries to muss up his spiky hair in retaliation.

He overhears her mumble _'smart-mouthed brat'_ and replies just to piss her off even more, "I get that a lot."

She crosses her arms and pouts, "That's not something to be proud of." He huffs an amused laugh and he can almost hear her grinding her teeth. What a child!

His eyes narrow when she suddenly gets a wicked gleam in her eye. She settles into a squat to be on eye level with him and casually brings them back to the topic at hand, "You want to know my name that badly?"

Madara doesn't like the way she phrased that. "It would be in your best interest to answer, _woman_. Obedient captives get better treatment."

She ignores his jabs entirely. "Oh? I should be afraid of the big, bad Uchiha clan?"

"You would be a fool not to."

"Says the squirt that was my captive just a couple minutes ago."

"Squirt?! How dare—"

She interrupts him with an uncharacteristic calm, "Besides, what do I have to fear from my own clansmen?" She pauses to let that sink in.

He meets her challenging gaze and restrains the urge to burst out laughing at her expense. It wouldn't do for the next head of the clan to act unrefined. He can't keep the mocking tone from his voice though, " _You?_ An Uchiha? Did you hit your head or someth—"

In lieu of a reply, she simply turns her back to him and lifts her hair out of the way. He chokes on the rest of his words. A large red and white fan is stitched onto her jacket. His own clan emblem seems to mock him.

She gives him a good, long look before turning back to face him. Her smirk makes his blood boil. "Imposter! How dare you wear the Uchiha crest!"

The kunoichi's smirk never falters. "I wear it because you wouldn't stop nagging me, _dear_."

"Wh-what did you just say?" He must have misheard.

"I said that I'm from the future and you're a pretty annoying husband."

The little Uchiha was stunned. Becoming the head of the clan seemed eons away, let alone marriage. He knew he would have responsibilities to the clan as its leader, but he hadn't thought much about what that entailed.

Girls were weak and couldn't keep up with him. He was told to be gentle with them and protect them, but they seemed like more trouble than they were worth. This one certainly wasn't weak, but she sure was irritating.

Before he could get too lost in his thoughts, he remembers the most ridiculous assertion she had made yet: time travel. She had inappropriate behavior and clothes, but she could just be foreign. "You're lying."

"Am I?" She makes a show of thinking about her reply before turning his world upside down, "Hmm, you said you're seven, so that means you have at least three brothers right now." Madara's eyes widen.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but after you, there's Izuna, Homura, and Shou. Izuna is five years old, Homura is four, and Shou is two." She's not wrong. "Your mom—Kanna—is still pregnant with your youngest brother—Takuto—and your dad—Tajima—picked his name."

Madara was speechless. Mother had just announced at last night's dinner that she was pregnant. He and his brothers had spent the meal throwing out name suggestions to Father before he settled on "Takuto." The news probably hadn't even spread throughout the settlement yet, and it certainly wouldn't be information leaked to the outside.

Most of the clan was stationed at the settlement right now, so it was nigh impossible for a spy to sneak in and out undetected. Someone definitely would have spotted those obnoxious orange clothes. That would mean…

He decided to test how committed she was to her story, "What year did you travel back from?"

"The first time or the second time?" His brow furrows. She does this often?

He clarifies, "What year are you from originally?"

"You wouldn't believe me."

"You think I believe anything else you've said?"

"You seem to have accepted that we're married in the future."

"It's possible that the head of the clan would marry for advantage." It was rare for the Uchiha to marry outsiders, but he could believe that he would use marriage to forge an alliance with another clan.

Madara would never say it aloud, but she had impressed him. His clan produced the strongest ninjas in the Land of Fire, possibly the world, but her clan was clearly worthy of recognition. The Uchiha could benefit from a partnership with them.

The kunoichi grins again and Madara gets a bad feeling. This time, she contradicts his own understanding of himself, "Actually, you asked me to marry you because you lo—"

He cuts her off, "Don't!"

She seems to be enjoying herself even more, "Because you loooooooove me!"

"Liar!"

"You looooooove me soooooo much~!" His face is too warm.

"No!"

"Yessss!" It's even worse when she drags out the syllables! She squishes his cheeks in between her hands. "Aww, you're blushing! How adorable!" Curse his pale skin!

"Stop it!"

"You asked me to marry you like ten times, ya know? So persistent."

"I wouldn't!" Madara has never run away from a battle, but he desperately wants to escape now. Unfortunately, the kunoichi has her arms locked around his waist. She falls back onto her bottom and takes him with her.

He can feel her shaking with laughter and he tries to stay mad, to hold on to his anger at her teasing. However, her laugh is infectious and he can't help letting out a couple snorts before he dissolves into peals of laughter just like her.

Once their laughter fades and they wipe the tears out of their eyes, a calm settles over them. Madara allows Naruto to rest her head atop his and he settles into her embrace.

Father says unnecessary physical contact is for women, but Madara makes an exception for Naruto. He's quite comfortable leaning back into her chest with her bent knees bracketing his sides.

Eventually, she breaks the silence, "Aw man, my time is almost up. Just when we were getting along, too!"

Madara tenses, "You're leaving?" He's not even ashamed of the disappointment in his voice. Naruto tries to rock forward onto her feet but he stubbornly stays his ground. He locks his arms around her knees for good measure.

She chuckles, "Come on now, I wanna say goodbye." She tickles him and he's forced to let go. Before he has a chance to grab her again, she lifts him up and turns him around to face her. She shifts to sit on her knees.

"Stay here." Pouting to get his way has never worked for him like it has for Izuna, but he's willing to give it a try now.

Naruto laughs a bit but she shakes her head, "Future-you is probably freaking out right now, ya know? You've probably got the entire village on edge while you comb the forest looking for me. You're a real worrywart." He scowls and refuses to take the bait. She smiles, not unkindly, "But, you're my worrywart."

She hugs him again and he clings to her jacket. She lets out a wet chuckle. "This is only goodbye for now. Someday soon, we'll meet again. I won't remember that we've already met, but try to remind me, ok?" He hears a sniffle. "A lot of bad things are going to happen between now and then, but always remember that you're not alone. You've got your family, your clan, and me."

"If you're my wife, then you're family, too."

She snorts. "You always have to have the last word, don't you?"

Before he can reply, his arms are suddenly empty. He stumbles forward a bit and looks around for where Naruto might have gone.

He was alone in the forest.

The only proof that he didn't get caught in a genjutsu or have a hallucination is his discarded war horn at the foot of a tree and the faint imprint of Naruto's calves in the soft soil.

* * *

Tajima likes to take a strict, but fair approach to parenting.

When his eldest son comes home spouting some nonsense about meeting his future wife in the forest, he gives him the benefit of the doubt. Normally, Madara is very mature for his age, so perhaps he's just misunderstood.

He stands in the doorway of their home library as his son furiously skims through a scroll, apparently looking for something. He can't quite see the contents of the scroll from his position, so he casually inquires, "What did she look like?"

"She had long, golden hair and blue eyes, Father." Rare characteristics, to be sure. No clan he knew of had those traits. He'd guess she hailed from a clan located outside the Land of Fire. That is, if she was real.

Madara interrupts his musings with a noise of triumph. "Found it! Well…this looks like the marking on her arm band anyway." Ah, so he was trying to identify her clan symbol. Why would she still wear her former clan's symbol after marrying into another?

Madara lifts the scroll so he can see it. "There were some extra lines on hers, but I think it was the Uzumaki clan crest."

_Uzumaki?_ "That's a sister clan to the Senju."

Tajima's eldest son froze. Apparently full of surprises today, he tries to defend the mirage. "She's really strong! And fast! And kind! And…and!" Madara desperately struggles to find some aspect of his daydream that will please his father. He's flustered enough that his immaturity is beginning to show.

Now Tajima is embarrassed for them both. He's about to bring his son back to reality when his wife's calm voice cuts in, "She sure sounds nice."

Madara visibly calms when his mother gently, but firmly shoulders past his father into the room. Kanna hadn't begun to show yet, but Tajima knew better than to challenge her when she was laden with child.

His son shows her the scroll. He has a hopeful look in his eyes and Tajima tsks. A sharp look from his wife keeps him from making further comment.

Kanna seems determined to encourage their son's flight of fancy. "This is great news!"

The relief in Madara's voice is telling. "It is?"

"Of course! If your future wife is an Uzumaki, that means we must finally be on good terms with the Senju." Madara looks to his father to gauge his reaction. Tajima keeps his expression carefully blank.

Kanna continues, "That must mean the war will end in your lifetime. Your marriage might even be what ends it. You'll sure do us proud as the clan leader that brought centuries of fighting to an end!"

Tajima can tell he's lost this battle when Madara brightens and shares a smile with his mother. Kanna takes the scroll out of his hands and sends him out to play with his brothers.

Once they're alone, he makes his displeasure known. "Madara should have gone to train."

His wife pretends to straighten up the room, but her tone of voice brokers no room for argument, "He always works hard. He deserves a break."

Tajima reminds her of the obvious, "He's going to be the head of the clan."

"Even you sleep, dear."

Tajima narrows his eyes. He decides to get straight to the point, "You shouldn't encourage whatever delusions he has."

"He's seven. He's allowed to dream." His wife could be dreadfully naive at times. Being too soft could get their son killed.

"What if his dreams get out of hand?"

"Meaning?"

"The Senju are not to be trusted."

"Maybe Madara conquers the Senju and takes a wife from their sister clan as a hostage."

He knows she only said it to placate him. "You believe what he was saying?"

"It doesn't matter whether I believe he met his future wife or not. He believes he did and if it makes him happy, I'm not going to take it away from him. Besides, it's nice to think that there may come a day when we don't have to fight in a war that neither side can remember the cause of."

"'Nice thoughts' don't win wars."

"You're right. They _end_ them."

* * *

Madara was panicking. It was amazing how many times Naruto had cheated death, but she might have pushed her luck too far this time.

She had been showing him a new jutsu she had created when she disappeared in a flash of light. Her chakra signature had seemingly winked out of existence and he had spent the better part of the afternoon tearing apart the clearing and the surrounding forest looking for her.

_What if she screwed up the jutsu and was drowning in a pool of her own blood somewhere?_

Tobirama had demanded they test experimental jutsu in the outskirts of Konoha's territory after Naruto accidentally flooded part of a neighborhood. He had thought the younger Senju was overreacting but Naruto said he had a point, so Madara had let it slide.

After two hours of frantic shouting and overturning boulders, he had apparently attracted some attention in the village. The notable absence of two public figures may have also done it.

He vaguely remembers someone, a civilian maybe, asking if he was okay. He doesn't remember what he said—possibly yelled—but it had sent them running.

Not long after, Izuna and Hashirama had shown up. Once he had calmed down enough to explain the situation, they offered to help him look for his wife.

It had been hours since they had set off in different directions to search, but there was still no sign of her. If she needed help, he was running out of time.

That was when he heard her voice. She sounded far away, but it was definitely her. "maaaaaaaa"

"Naruto!?" He whipped his head left and right, but saw nothing new.

Where was she, damn it?!

"daaaaaaAAAAAAAA"

She was getting closer now. How was that possible? Unless...He looked up.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

Of course, his wife was falling from the sky. She always liked to make an entrance.

She had her arms outstretched and a wild grin on her face as she plummeted towards the ground. Madara allows himself a sigh of relief and exasperation before he braces himself for impact with Susanoo.

His wife crashes into him with the force of a meteor. If they had been anyone else, they'd be dead. Instead, Naruto is laughing like a loon.

He shifts them into a sitting position in the center of the crater they just made. He looks at her expectantly as she calms down. "I missed you, ya know."

"Don't try to distract me. Where were you?"

"I time-traveled." _Again?_

"Where to?"

"You mean 'when?'"

He is not in a joking mood. "Naruto."

She laughs, "There's my favorite scowl!"

He's far too tired for this. "Naruto."

"Okay, okay. I went back about a decade. I met a cheeky brat, but he was pretty cute, so I forgave him for being rude. It's a real shame what happened to him, though."

He furrows his brow. Did she travel ten years into the past from their present, or her original era? Who was she talking about? What happened to them?

Naruto squishes his face in between her hands and says, "He grew into a sweaty, stinky grump."

He swats her hands away, "Whose fault do you think it is that I'm sweaty—" The full meaning of her words sinks in. His face colors and even in the fading light, his pale skin makes it extremely obvious.

"Aww, he's still cute sometimes."

"Naruto!"


	3. Picky Eaters' Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The grocery store run-in from hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm reposting the first two chapters as separate stories because:  
> 1\. I want to avoid confusion as I flesh them out.  
> 2\. The Seedlings versions have already been translated into Russian.  
> 3\. Comments are my heroin.
> 
> Now that we have that out of the way, on with chapter 3! I present the obligatory Office AU!

Hashirama doesn’t understand that not every morsel that meets his eye is his to consume. Even half of a buffet doesn't sate the beast for long. Several all-you-can-eat establishments have asked him to leave. It's mind-boggling that Hashirama has yet to eat his family out of house and home.

In their school days, Madara's lunch was always at risk. He did his best to protect it, but Hashirama always managed to pilfer at least a few bites. Half a bento went missing if Madara wasn’t paying close enough attention. He didn’t have the resources to employ other strategies then but as a salaryman? Madara can get creative.

Rather than waste precious energy fighting on an empty stomach, he prepares a decoy lunch. By the time Hashirama finishes his two-tiered bento and the decoy, Madara has finished his lunch and is back to work. No amount of whining or prodding will magically make the food reappear. 

Checkmate.

The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan is that Madara has the culinary skills of a child. Izuna did all of the cooking for the both of them. Since he moved out, Madara is left with no choice but frequenting the supermarket.

The stares are not appreciated. It’s no one else’s business what he buys. Some look tempted to comment on the amount of inarizushi in his basket, but a glare discourages bothering him with such nonsense.

Why wouldn’t he buy a decent amount of something he knows is delicious? Besides, the store increased the amount of inarizushi they have in stock to accommodate him. Not only would it be rude to change routine without warning them first, he would be shirking his duty as a consumer. Small businesses rely on loyal customers like him. Honestly, his patronage is a form of community service.

Madara is stacking the last container of inarizushi in his basket when he notices Tobirama turning the corner. Being nagged to death at work is one thing, but outside? Unacceptable. Madara decides a tactical retreat is the best option. 

Unfortunately, he takes the turn into the aisle too fast and collides with another customer. Madara curses internally as the impediment squawks in surprise. Their respective items fall to the floor and the commotion has already drawn in some gawkers. If he doesn’t do something quick, Tobirama will join the fray.

Hastily, he gathers up the contents of both of their baskets. The quicker this is over with, the quicker he can get out of Tobirama’s nagging range. The stranger grumbles but helps Madara clean up the mess. Strangely, they have no problem differentiating which products belong to whom.

Ah, that’s why. She only has cup ramen in her basket. A lot of them. His brow furrows, but he doesn’t have time to question it with Tobirama afoot.

With their baskets finally in order, Madara gathers his precious bundle in his arms and swiftly turns another aisle corner. Thankfully, no one gets in his way this time. Madara breathes a sigh of relief just as he notices that he has company. The stranger from before asks, “Who are we hiding from?”

He looks at her like she’s crazy, but she seems to genuinely expect an answer from him. Madara is not at all sorry to disappoint her. He ignores the question and makes his way to the register. He continues to ignore the footsteps that follow after him. He pointedly ignores the conspicuous presence behind him in the check-out line. Madara accepts that he has to draw a line in the sand when he turns to head home and catches a blonde head of hair in his periphery.

With a sigh, he turns to meet her intense gaze. She cuts him off before he can tell her to get lost, “You really like inarizushi, huh?”

“Pardon?”

“I mean, you always buy it.”

“How would you know?” That was the exact wrong thing to say.

“You haven’t noticed me before now? We usually shop at the same time.” She lowers her voice to a conspiratorial whisper, “ I always try to check out after you cuz the cashier in lane 3 has a crush on you, ya know? She’s usually really grouchy, but after ringing you up? She’s so happy that she lets me use expired coupons.”

Why should he care that a woman he has barely spoken to has a crush on him? This conversation topic would better suit high schoolers. Then again, she doesn’t seem much older than that. Whatever youth fashion trend dictates drawing whiskers on one's face, he wants no part of it. 

Madara is not at the store to lollygag and socialize like she apparently is. He gets what he needs and gets out. An opportunity to escape this social interaction she trapped him in presents itself when one of the store clerks asks them to stop blocking the exit, but his hopes are dashed when she drags him to a nearby park.

She seems ready to dive right back into another stream of chatter, so Madara tries to make his exit. He forces a modicum of courtesy into his tone, “I’d like to get home soon and we barely know each other—”

“I’m Uzumaki Naruto, ya know!” Of course, she would take that as a cue to introduce herself.

He was raised right, so he responds in kind, “Uchiha Madara. Anyway, I’ve really got to get going—”

“Uchiha? Are you related to Sasuke?”

Could Uzumaki be one of Sasuke’s fangirls trying to pump him for information? If it will get her to leave him alone, he’ll gladly give her a fake address and phone number. No, Tobirama’s contact information. Perfect. “Are you trying to get in touch with him? If you like, I can tell you his address and phone number.”

Uzumaki's face screws up. “No, thanks. I already know those. Besides, I see enough of that bastard at work!”

Oh no.

Sasuke works in another department, but they work at the same company. Madara doesn’t know how Uzumaki got the job if she doesn’t even recognize his name as one of the company’s founders, but it works to his advantage. The last thing he needs is for her to find him again.

An excited gasp ushers in the apocalypse. “You work at Konoha Enterprises, too?! I’ve never seen you before, are you new?”

Fuck. He forgot about his work lanyard. Madara pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Before he can put Uzumaki in her place, she whips out her phone to check the time. The time warrants another gasp and she finally turns to leave. Unfortunately, her parting words instill him with a profound sense of dread. “Sorry, Mads, gotta go! My show is starting soon. Let’s eat lunch together tomorrow! I’ll come find you!”

Damn it, Hashirama.


	4. Picky Eaters' Club Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Human adaptation never ceases to amaze.

“So, what are you hiding from?”

Madara levels a glare at Obito over his computer monitor. “What could possibly make you think that I’m hiding?”

“Other than the fact that you’re eating in your office by yourself? You always eat with your best buds,” Obito says while nodding towards the package of inarizushi on Madara’s desk.

“Tobirama is not my ‘best bud’ as you so eloquently put it,” Madara corrects.

“Sure, but you tolerate him, so you can eat with your ‘man-crush.’”

Madara isn’t entirely sure what Obito is implying about Hashirama with the air quotes on his own slang, but he knows that he’s being mocked. “Just drop off the documents and leave, brat.” 

Obito brings a hand to his chest and gasps, “Hey, hey! This is a _professional work environment_! Leave the name-calling at home or I’ll call HR!”

Madara narrows his eyes. “You wouldn’t dare.”

“Wouldn’t I? I’d love to see Rin lecture you on workplace sensitivity,” Obito snickers.

Two can play this game. “How will she find the time with you constantly crowding her office?”

Obito's grin falls as his brow knits. “How do you know about that?”

“We can hear you arguing with Kakashi in the next building from here. Well, I say ‘arguing,’ but he usually ignores you, doesn’t he?”

Grimacing, Obito finally hands over the folder. Madara accepts it with a smile as Obito mumbles a half-hearted goodbye and leaves him in peace.

~xXx~

Obito grumbles as he returns to the sales and human resources building from the skyway. While his hands are stuffed in his pockets, he feels some loose change and decides to indulge in a snack from the vending machine. Placing the coins into the machine, he selects a bag of chips that he likes well enough. Unfortunately, the bag gets stuck halfway during its descent to the collection tray.

Obito groans, “Fuck me.”

“Oof, that’s rough, buddy,” says Naruto who just happened to be passing by.

Obito tiredly rubs his face and replies, “Tell me about it.”

“Ya think it’ll fall the rest of the way down if another one falls on top of it?”

“Worth a shot,” he says while shrugging. Naruto inserts a few coins and selects the same item. They watch as the spiral hook slowly rotates to release the bag. It tips forward and lands on top of the first. Their eyebrows raise as the two bags teeter on their precarious perch. Unfortunately, they stabilize.

Naruto and Obito groan. She asks no one in particular, “What are the odds?”

“With our luck? One-to-one, probably. Anyway, thanks for try—what are you doing?”

“Getting our snacks,” she states matter of factly with an arm already shoulder-deep into the machine. Their purchases remain undisturbed on the fourth row up while her fingers barely brush the bottom of the third row. 

“I don’t think your arm is long enough. Anyway, get your arm out of there before you get—”

“Uh oh.”

“—stuck,” Obito finishes with a sigh. Turning to walk away, he reassures,“Hang on, I’ll go get someone.”

“Wait! I just remembered a question I had for you,” Naruto says.

Turning back to her, Obito raises an eyebrow. “Can’t it wait?”

“No, cuz I’ll forget, ya know. Do you know where Madara works? Sasuke just told me to get back to work when I asked him, but I figured you might know,” Naruto explains with a scowl.

Obito has no idea why Naruto might be looking for Madara, but he knows that their personalities are like water and oil. Madara is likely to get a headache just from Naruto’s energy. Trying to keep the devious hint out of his smile, he answers, “His office is on the top floor of the administration building. You can’t miss it.”

Naruto smiles up at him. “Thanks!”

~xXx~

Later in the day, Madara ducks into a meeting room when he sees Uzumaki knocking on the door of his office. Just as he’s wondering how she found his office, Tobirama walks into the room. His tone is equal parts surprised and suspicious when he comments, “You’re early for the meeting.”

Generally, Madara shows up to any meeting Tobirama calls exactly one minute before it is set to start. The resulting scowl fighting to emerge on Tobirama’s face serves as Madara’s entertainment during what amounts to a lecture with an unnecessary amount of criticisms and micromanaging sprinkled on top for variety. Quickly redirecting his gaze elsewhere and taking a seat in his designated chair, he retorts, “I’m always early for the meeting.”

Tobirama narrows his eyes and huffs, but says nothing more as their coworkers file into the room. A foreboding feeling haunts Madara throughout the endless talk about how they aren’t as efficient as they _could_ be.

~xXx~

Thankfully, Uzumaki left before Madara was forced to return to his office after the meeting, but his luck runs out the next morning. On the way up to his office, she happens to spot him in the elevator and calls out, “Maddy! Hold the door for me!”

Madara blanches and repeatedly stabs the “close door” button. By some miracle, the elevator doors outpace her sprint toward him. He breathes a sigh of relief and nearly gives into the urge to lean his forehead against the wall. If the other occupants of the elevator have any thoughts on his actions, they wisely refrain from sharing them. Madara has put the event behind him by the time the elevator reaches the top floor, but the welcoming committee dredges the past up again. 

Criminally upbeat for the hour, Naruto forgives him for deliberately closing the elevator doors with a smile. “Guess ya didn’t hear me,” her rosy cheeks balloon before she exhales, “Eh, morning cardio is good every once in a while, right?”

There must be some way to avoid this interaction. Unfortunately, Tobirama has already seen them, so calling in sick is no longer a viable option. He briefly considers bringing this to the attention of human resources, but immediately discards the thought. Whining to someone else that a girl is bothering him is just juvenile. Thus, Madara decides to handle the situation like the grown man he is—by ignoring it.

Uzumaki jabbers as she follows him to the door of his office. His lack of responses doesn’t discourage her in the slightest. With only two pockets on his person, the key to his office must be actively hiding from him with how long it takes him to locate it. Finally, the door to his office swings open and he turns to Uzumaki just as she invites, “So, anyway, are you free to have lunch today?”

Before he can rudely decline, Hashirama steps out of the neighboring office. True to form, he fails to read the room and asks, “Oh, Madara, do you have lunch plans today?”

Immediately, Madara corrects, “N-Ye-I thought we were going to eat together like always?”

“Actually, we missed you yesterday. Did something happen?”

“I had a lot to get done, so I worked through lunch, but that won’t be a problem today—”

Uzumaki cuts in, “So, you do have time?”

“Why don’t we all have lunch together,” Hashirama cordially suggests, much to Madara’s horror.

“Sounds good to me! Madster, you’re gonna love my surprise, ya know! Look forward to it,” Uzumaki says with an alarming amount of excitement. With a blinding smile and an overly-familiar pat on the back, she disappears around a cubicle divider and back to whatever level of hell is set aside for him.

Before returning to his office, Hashirama pats him on the shoulder and says, “It’s great that you’re finally making more friends!”

Madara stands frozen in the doorway of his office while he wonders what just happened.

~xXx~

With far too much fanfare, Uzumaki exclaims, “Ta-dah! Inarizushi ramen!”

Madara glares at the instant ramen cup Uzumaki places in front of him. He would glare at the situation in general if he could. The possibility that this is just a one-time occurrence that he has to suffer through grows less likely with every passing second. Not only do Uzumaki and Hashirama get along great, but she has managed to wring a few amused snorts out of Tobirama. 

He couldn’t care less about Uzumaki and Tobirama’s expectant looks, but the pressure of Hashirama’s gaze forces him to sample the nightmarish concoction. Madara supposes that it isn’t the worst thing he has ever eaten—not that Uzumaki will ever be any the wiser. Wordlessly, he pushes the remainder toward a delighted Hashirama. 

Uzumaki whines, “Aww, you don’t like it?”

“No,” he swiftly denies and pulls his inarizushi containers toward him.

“Dang! I thought you would like it for sure, ya know.”

She knows nothing about him, but she was sure he would like it? Ridiculous. However, Hashirama’s presence prompts him to reduce his cutting remark to a grunt. Madara retreats into himself as the conversation carries on without him and Hashirama pilfers half of Naruto’s unprotected lunch. Unfortunately, this coping mechanism means that he completely misses Uzumaki’s suggestion and only catches the Senju brothers’ approval of the idea.

~xXx~

Madara would love to know why the optimal spot for the new water cooler is outside his office. Only the foolish would dare approach his office for hydration they could easily obtain from the sink on the opposite side of the office. Anyone with even a sliver of common sense will continue to do just that.

Of course, Uzumaki is the first to partake in the foolish coworker trap. In between sips from her paper cup, she has the gall to cheerfully remind him, “Now you don’t have to go to the other side of the office for water, ya know!”

“Splendid,” he responds without an ounce of sincerity.

~xXx~

Madara has grown used to the intrusion in his daily life. Due to Uzumaki’s chattiness and a lesson learned about not keeping tabs on her, he knows more about her than he does some family members. In contrast, she still has no idea that she effectively scaled the corporate ladder to the top of the company by forcing her way into Madara’s social circle—much to the chagrin and astonishment of her coworkers.

He learns that she has connections of her own when Dosu tries to get her fired for some petty reason. The head of Human Resources and Uzumaki’s father, Namikaze Minato, steps in and does everything short of ordering a hit on the fool. Madara toyed with the thought of getting rid of her as well, but he sets the idea aside when Dosu doesn’t come back from his “suspension.”

Nepotism would explain how a dullard like Uzumaki got the job in the first place. Madara feels like a fool for not noticing the glaring family resemblance sooner. It’s probably because Namikaze is actually professional and competent. Meanwhile, his spawn makes a horrendous error every other week. Clearly, the apple fell very far from the tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Charisma is the only personality trait shared between parent and child. Despite how often she is the butt of the joke, Uzumaki is very social and has no problem integrating with any group that catches her fancy. Thus, it is utterly baffling that she fixated on Madara, the office recluse. If career advancement isn’t her objective, what other reason could she possibly have?

Initially, Madara thought Uzumaki latched onto him because he reminded her of her other obsession, Sasuke, but it turns out that she clings to everyone—Uchiha or not. Despite her notoriously short attention span, she still hasn’t moved on to the next unfortunate soul after months spent hounding him. 

~xXx~

As always, Madara’s good fortune has landed him a spot on the company retreat. Because the gifts keep on giving, Uzumaki sees it as an opportunity to deepen their “friendship.” He has managed to keep her from learning his address, but he gets a preview of what life will be like once she finally gets her hands on the information when she ends up in the neighboring hotel room. 

Thanks to her, he perfects the art of pretending he isn’t home, but that doesn’t stop her from trying to invite him everywhere. She successfully draws him out of his room a few times with Hashirama’s help, but their buffer disappears when they start the team-building activities. 

Whoever thought a cooking class was great for building camaraderie needs some more ventilation in their skull. Madara tries to be partners with Hashirama, but Uzumaki gets to him first. Not only is he stuck with the last person he wanted, but their collective culinary expertise is on par with a child that just learned to use the microwave. Expecting them to work together to make something like a soufflé is unrealistic, to say the least.

Their attempt at fine cuisine reeks of failure as they attempt to glare the concavity and overflow into the correct shape. Uzumaki asks, “Why does it look so bad?”

It is extremely tempting to blame it all on her, but Hashirama and Tobirama managed to make a picture perfect soufflé despite the former’s tomfoolery, so it would be the same as admitting that he can’t do something that Tobirama can. Madara would rather _die_. He declares, “We may have lost this round, but we’ll win the next one.”

Uzumaki’s eyes are fiery as she heartily agrees, “Yeah, we will!”

~xXx~

Some might be tempted to say that team-building exercises aren’t a competition. They only say so because they fear an overwhelmingly shameful defeat. Tobirama may pretend to be a “mature adult,” but a string of losses visibly grates on him. It pleases Madara deeply.

They may have their differences, but he and Uzumaki make a great team. Between her networking and his cutthroat tactics, they utterly dominate the exercises and if there was a trophy, it would be theirs without question. Her drive to succeed rivals his own and she would easily climb the corporate ladder on her own merit if she was always this competent. 

~xXx~

Perhaps Madara is riding the high of a landslide victory, but suddenly Uzumaki isn’t as annoying as usual. Apparently, the sight of Madara almost enjoying Uzumaki’s presence finally prompts someone to enlighten her. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he opens the door of his hotel room to a passionate exclamation, “You’re the boss?!”

“One of them, yes,” he confirms. 

Despite the newfound knowledge that he is her superior, she barges into his hotel room as always. Uzumaki settles in one of the chairs in his room while she comes to terms with the situation. Unsure of how to proceed, Madara settles in the chair across from her and waits. They were about to get dinner, so he assumes she’ll wrap this up quickly.

Eventually, she asks, “Is that why you always call me ‘Uzumaki,’ despite how many times I’ve told you to call me ‘Naruto?’”

“That was a bit of revenge for the plethora of horrid nicknames you have addressed me with,” Madara explains without shame.

Uzumaki nods. “Yeah, that does seem like you. Guess this finally answers the question of your hair.”

Eyebrow raised, he asks, “My hair?”

“I thought the boss was too scared to ask you to cut it, ya know.”

“Hashirama has never once been afraid to ask me anything. Tobirama has made some strong hints, though.”

“Hashirama is a boss, too?!”

What is it about him that attracts idiots?


End file.
